The more I see of people, the more I like the attack dog I’m running away from.  At least he is honest when he’s trying to eat my leg…

 

Instead, people will lie to your face and tell you one thing, and then go and do something else. A perfect example that happened recently is with VR. I hate this organization. They are directly beneath people who have or are committing genocide.  I’ve dealt with them 3 times and other then paying for things, they are actively destruction.

So far, I have been promised 15 separate things by them that they refused to later provide. Really? You can’t even figure out what you can and can’t pay for? Is it really that hard to know what programs that you have that I would benefit from? When I asked specifically for the program by name, and I defiantly qualify for it?

No. They don’t do anything like that. Instead, I get a lecture about how they are “good guys” when someone else calls on my behalf to make things happen for me.

Then the other person can’t be bothered to give me notes? Then the other person can’t be bothered to show up to there meetings?

I should be ok with this whole thing? Some how It’s my fault.  Everyone gets to fuck with me, and it’s my fault that I don’t have the power to fix the broken system?

World, you can go fuck your self.

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How Neurotypicals think

I understand that I’m different from everyone.  Your “neurotypicals” however are just way fucking out there in there understanding of language.  If I say, “Fuck no” they might take that as a yes. If I say, “Hell yes” they might take that as a no.

Most Neurotypicals think that I’m being pedantic when I call them liars.  I’ve thrown more then one “margarined” toast at a person who told me it would have butter. Why on earth would someone confuse a marvel of science the tastes like plastic with butter? Further more, why would you put that on toast? Bacon grease would be much better then both.

But What I don’t understand is why neurotypicals are such idiots when it comes to things. Honestly, wouldn’t it be easier if we could agree “no” means no, unless we’ve negotiated that it means yes? I certainly think so.

Then there is the other habit that drives me crazy is expecting me to know when they are telling lies, and so I shouldn’t believe them. I understand sarcasm.  This is obvious, and I get it. What I don’t get is when someone says, “Yes, that would be good. I’d enjoy that.”  But what they want to say is “No, thank you”… I will never ever get that one right.

Even if I am smart enough to pick it up, (this happens sometimes) I will not respect the out-right lie that was told. I will no longer trust, or respect this person. If they are so week as to be intimidated by me, they don’t deserve my respect.

I get that people hate being told the truth.  But I hate being lied to, so don’t even bother, K?

Paper worksheets

I do not understand the need to use paper worksheets. I don’t understand the need for paper notebooks as a common place tool. I have a smartphone; It’s typically in my hand. If not, it’s really close to my person. Even if I’m going swimming, I’ll buy a waterproof case so I can have it on me.

Given that I have the phone on me at my appointments, and that there are confidential ways to email, why am I ever asked to write? This isn’t a thing that The Therapist has any say over; it’s an institutional problem. They haven’t given me a system where I can give electronic documents to the therapist while maintaining both healthy boundaries in the relationship, and my privacy.

However, My doctor can message me, and I can message him. Most medical records are electronic. My mental health chart is also digital. Why then can’t I add to it. Why can’t I upload digital worksheets?

Why is it important that I be able to do digital worksheets instead of paper?

This is the important question to ask here. I have a learning disability… I haven’t written on paper using handwriting for anything longer then an address that someone else would have to read sense I had to do handwriting practice in school. I was given an alpha smart (portable word processor that could upload to a computer) in elementary school. I used that to take notes on for every class but math until I got a palm pilot. I then used that for notes.

My learning disability makes auto-correct my best friend. I write to slow, It takes up too much of my very, very precious thinking power. I can’t change it without having to rewrite it. I can’t save it and open it on another device. Copies are degraded almost instantly.

I feel like they are discriminating against me in a way that is likely not legal. They have made there handouts unusable for me. This is because they don’t have adequate software. This software exists, but it costs a lot. I go to a place that has less funds then it should, and too many clients.  Given how many people need help, I’m trying to be ok with the discrimination.

 

The fax machine

I need a stronger word then hate to describe how I feel about change.  I don’t like change for the better.  I very, very, very strongly dislike change for the neutral. I can’t stand any change that makes things worse.

Where I volunteer at, they still use a fax machine. (I hadn’t realized that so many places use real life fax machines. ) For weeks the machine was acting up. It would jam, or stop sending mid fax. I was the one who had to deal with this mostly. I got to unjam the paper, and come up with new ways to attempt to make it work.  Until I couldn’t get it to print a whole fax. Every single page that was printed out jammed on the page. I got to spend all day that day attempting to fix it. Nothing worked.

The next day we got a new fax machine. I got to install it before an appointment I had to go to. I got it all working, and all ready and up and running all on my own. It felt good to have that done. Now, Sending a fax takes maybe 2 minuets.  However, I found that what looked like a good change really made my life worse.

It freed up my time to do more interesting projects. But at the same time, the interesting projects are no longer a thing that will happen.  This is a thing because of a totally unrelated event. So, now, I’m left with nothing to do but use up my data plan and be board while waiting for something better to do.

That something better would be done while sitting on a computer,  with an internet connection, like I do where I volunteer. However, I don’t want them to know about my personal life. I don’t want to leave my job search on the computer of a place that I know I will be leaving soon.

 

I’m broken hearted about this. I thought I had found a home where I would be mostly  happy for a while. I thought that I had found the thing that will lead to the next good thing. However, all I’m finding is something that wasn’t worth doing in the first place.  Much like fighting with the fax machine.

What I learned form this is that there is  I have to be extremely picky about where I invest my self into, and also, I hate change, even good change.

ACT Values Self-Exploration

This is a packet of 5 pages, and could be much better done as part of a journal. It defiantly needs much more space to be useable as a hand-written exercise.  This paper packet, as is could be used as a talking exercise done in session. However, I’m not sure that it would lead to proper thinking. I also don’t know if this is where the work sheet that I was given by The Therapist.  As much as I think that the format of this one isn’t great, some of the questions seem important.

Family Relationships (other then marriage):

Importance: Family is only important if you have a good one, otherwise you just have a bunch of asshats the you have to put up with. Some of use survive childhood less damaged then others.

Ideally, what would your family relationships be like?

I would have a large trust-fund. My father would always be working and mostly ignore me. My mother would be an artist and would adore me. I would be treated with respect, I would know all the right people to make my photography famous.

What personal qualities would you like to contribute to your family?

I would like to not contribute. I have already contributed to everyone in my family more then has been given me. I needed a family to raise me as a child. I did it my self.

Do you feel that you are contributing enough time and effort towards this area of you life? If not, how would you like to improve this area?

Very much too much. I have to do all the motional lifting. I really get anything back from my family.

Friendships/Social Relationship: Importance

10 on a scale of 5…

What sort of friendships would you like to have?

I want friends who will be there for me when I need them. I want to also be there for them.  As Aunty acid says, a true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen with you in public. I need friends who also share my twisted, horrible sense of humor. However, if my friends can’t deal with the bruises that I get from fun, they aren’t friends.

How can you contribute to building your ideal friendships?

Apparently the answer is some vague thing about being able to mind read, instead of learning about it. Bullshit answer. Being “not social” was the biggest problem on my IEP in school. No one is willing to explain this one to me. I was told “talk to people” worse advice ever. Would you ever tell someone struggling with math “just do math”?

Do you feel that you are contributing enough time and effort towards this area of your life? if not, how would you like to improve?

If I was putting enough effort into it, I would have lots and lots of friends. I don’t have any more time. I need to know how to do this.

Work/Career/Education

What’s Important to you about your work, career, or education?

I need money to live. Money = independence. I need more money. I want more social status. Social status means more friends who are more likely to be there for you when things go wrong. I need social status to gain friends who will give me more chances to be rich enough to retire.

How would you like others to view you within you professional roles?

I want to be the person who is as known for being quiet and driven as I am for being a smart ass. I want to be the one who gets the job done correct, and always gives the promised results. Sometimes giving more then is expected.

Do you feel that you are contributing enough time and effort to wards this area of you life? If not, how would you like to improve?

I do way too much fucking work here. I spend more time looking for work then I do anything else.  Soon, once I’ve moved I’ll be spending even more time on looking for work. If I’m not looking for work, and doing other required activities, I’m working on photography. This is where my energy ends up moving to.

Community/Citizenship

How would you like to contribute to the community, or the world?

Fix it. I want to fix the whole thing.

What does it mean to you to be a good member of your community, or a good citizen?

Doing the minimum steps required to help people who I see, when I have the ability. I also have the responsibility to stand-up for others and myself when their rights under the law are not being respected.  If my safety isn’t going to be called into question, I need to stand-up against people being treated like crap, even if it’s just being rude instead of other.

Do you feel that you are contributing enough time and effort toward this area of your life? If not, how would you like to improve?

I do this. I need to do less because my emotional safety is close to its limit.

 

Physical Health/Well-being

Ideally, how would you take care of your physical health and well-being?

I wouldn’t have to choose between dizzy spells and sleeping. I would need to take frequent breaks, I would be able to work at night instead of the day. I would be able to take naps in the middle of the day instead of relying on caffeine.

Why is Physical Health important to you?

Having it increases productivity, and it’s a more comfortable place to inhabit your body.

Do you feel that you are contributing enough time and effort towards this area of you life? If not, how would you like to improve?

I would like to not be living in poverty so that I could have the time, energy and money so I could take care of  my self, but I need the friends, and job so that I can do this.

Recreation/Relaxation

What are your ideal forms of recreation and relaxation?

I like completing projects. Some of them are just fun and I enjoy doing. Others are pure relaxation. Some are also practical because they result in blankets, and food.  For relaxation I love long hot showers, panting my nails (Can’t touch anything until they dry.), relaxing in a hammock and watching the trees move in the wind, or washing the clouds. I also love snugging into bed in a large morning.

Why are recreation and relaxation important to you?

It’s a time to refresh my brain/body so that I can do more work, or change the world.

Do you feel that you are contributing enough time and effort towards this area of you life? if not, how would you like to improve?

It will improve when I get a job. Focus for the moment is job.

Spirituality

Religion = code of values/way to police people.

Spirituality= reconciling the “spirit” without religion.

Both are useless, and I don’t need them to feel grounded in my world, nor secure in my self.

 Marriage/Intimate Relationships

How would you describe your ideal marriage or intimate relationship?

It will be a celebration of all the people who are in it. We will be a group who cares, fucks-up, forgives, and shares. Each person will have there own special space in the relationships. It would be wonderful. I would get to join in for mornings around the breakfast table, If that is what I wanted that morning. Or, I would get so skip it, and stay in my own apartment/place.

In your ideal marriage or intimate relationship, how would you treat your partners?

(I changed the question. I will not have only one.) I would treat them with respect, while keeping a safe for me distance. They would do the same. I would be allowed in for all the fun, and allowed out when the drama was with my metamours . I would thoroughly enjoy their play with others.

Do you feel that you are contributing enough time and effort towards you marriage or intimate relationships? If not, how would you like to improve this area?

See answers for friends. I need more friends, because they become lovers.

Parenting: Never Happening.

 

My Top Values

According to the List of Values from Act (Starts on pg 23 of this PDF), I  will list my top 5. Apparently the list is somehow important. I’m convinced that this is stupid, but  The Therapist wanted me to do it.  Personal, I don’t understand why the list is so long. Many of them are just a repeat of others, or are so similar that a “normal” person shouldn’t be able to understand the difference.

So, mine are as follows:

  • 3. Assertiveness
  • 4. Authenticity
  • 29. Humour
  • 7. Challenge
  • 28. Honesty

Authenticity is just being honest about your self. If you are honest, authenticity is going to happen. If you are lying about your self, you’re being dishonest… so why does it need to be specified that this specific type of honesty is anymore important then the rest?Responsibility is just honesty again, simply restated in different words. This time, it is saying that I will be honest about my action. It’s saying that I’ll do what I say. So why do I need the same value on this list more then once?

What about Caring, Kindness, and Loving? They are all exactly the same thing in this context. The only difference that I can is that Loving is a verb that also has a meaning that is the same as Romantic, and Intimacy…

And why is this list not even all the same part of speech? They gave me a crapy list that isn’t even grammatical correct. How much can they possibly respect me?

That doesn’t even get into the format of this list. I can’t sort it, I can’t find a version of the list that is set-up to be used on a computer. Do they really expect me to be living in the 80’s? This wouldn’t have been acceptable in the 90’s. I was the first generation who grew up with in home computers. I’m more comfortable typing then writing.

Oh, and if I have it online, I can use the information in a way that I can access and approach. What if they had put it in a spread sheet, and used numbers 1,2,3. Then I could have easily sorted it by cagatories. This would have allowed me to reduce my cognitive load. Why do I need to think about things that can be solved by a limited use of a spread sheet?

I could very easily fix this problem, but I’m at a point where I’m asking why do I have to be the one to fix everything? Why am I the only person in the world wiling to do any part of the world? If I was blind, I wouldn’t be handed horrible papers like this.  If I was blind, I would be believed when I said that this list in this format isn’t useable for me.